~ why I believe this buzz-word needs a re-frame ~
I’ve pondered the concept of self-sabotage for a few years. Initially it seemed to make sense, as it did for a lot of people. When I watched myself destroy things that were good for me, I labelled it as self-sabotage. It was kinda the norm, the new buzz-word going around in the healing world.
But it made me feel even worse, and more frustrated with myself, as if I didn’t already have enough internal shame and anger towards myself!! This added even more judgement and self-criticism and this idea that we could sabotage our own happiness simply did not help me change these behaviours.
I now believe this label is wrong and incredibly unhelpful. It never served me and once I threw this label in the bin and reframed it in what I believe is the correct way of looking at it, I could begin to make better progress with these previously thought-of self-destructive behaviours.
As Janina Fisher puts it, when it comes to unprocessed trauma, our behaviours represent the way we adapted to survive. In the Internal Family Systems world (parts theory), Richard Schwartz calls these adaptations different parts of us, which he insists ALL INTEND TO HELP US. Both Richard and Janina, as well as many other big names in the trauma healing world, have shown me that these parts are adaptations that have my best intentions at heart.
I spent a few years working with these parts, understanding what they were adapting to, what unmet need they were trying to meet, what void they were trying to fill. What they were protecting me from and how all of this wisdom was reflected somatically, in my felt-body.
The avoidant part of me was protecting me from feeling my feelings, because as a young child I didn’t develop the capacity to self-regulate. Becoming overwhelmed can feel threatening and dangerous, because then the prefrontal cortex shuts down and we cannot think, problem solve or even process memory effectively.
The anxious part of me was desperate to be seen, loved and held, completely unconditionally. The deep dark void was there, dying to be filled, clinging to whatever crumb of attachment it could find. Often, since coming from a wounded, child-like desperate state, I’d therefore attach myself to people who weren’t good for me. People who didn’t really love me. People who were wounded like me, desperate for love, but since they couldn’t give real love to themselves either, they couldn’t give it to me.
Both of these parts could be seen as apparently self-sabotaging. The avoidant part destroys healthy relationships and eats, drinks or watches TV into oblivion. The anxious part clings onto the narcissist or the job they hate or people-pleases to ensure they can’t be rejected and won’t ever be alone… The anxious-avoidant disorganised parts collect relationships (anxious), only has surface-level connections (avoidant) and moves between these two, as well as burns it all up and starts again, over and over (totally disorganised).
All of these parts, these adaptations, have good intentions. They are trying to keep us safe from danger, safe from nervous system overwhelm and eventually complete shut-down. They helped to keep us alive as children.
Now, as adults, they have become maladaptive. Though they maintain good intention, their intention is stuck in the past, in the dangerous situation. And they are here with us now, in the present, as adults, when we have the opportunity to learn new skills – to regulate our emotions. When we can get out of a dangerous situation, by choice, for the most part. As adults we have more power and control than we had as children, but many of us are still stuck, playing small, protecting ourselves from the danger we could not fight nor flee from.
To start to reframe your belief that some behaviours are examples of self-sabotage, track your behaviours that you would normally see as self-destructive. Write them down and explore how these behaviours might be trying to protect you – from rejection, abandonment, abuse, shame, complete overwhelm… Notice how it feels in your body to explore this. As best you can, acknowledge the part, and listen to it’s messages. What is it trying to tell you??
To explore more deeply, book an appointment now 🙂
