A lot of this generation of new parents are noticing that they need to work through their own trauma so they stop passing it down / projecting it onto the future generations. Believe what you will, I think generational trauma manifests itself one way or another. Healing trauma is essential for better parenting.
A lot of people in the last decade or so have become acutely aware that parenthood is triggering af. Now that we know what ‘triggering’ actually is, despite it being a big buzz word, it is indeed a very real thing. Parenthood is the constant mirror of your unhealed attachment traumas. And in the case of your child, especially as a single parent and even more so if you have full-time care of your child/children, the activation of your unprocessed wounding occurs day in, day out, without a break to breathe. This awareness is crucial for effective parenting.
Now that parents can no longer beat their children into submission (and suppression) emotions are being expressed more than ever. And in my generation, it’s like, well, what the bloody hell do we do with this? We can’t do the old way of parenting (which resulted in fear of feeling), and no one has taught us a new way. Except the way that’s ALL THE WAY on the other end of the spectrum where we let them get away with anything. Full expression and no boundaries. There has to be a middle ground for healthy parenting.
Embracing Healthy, Balanced Parenting
And there is. I’ve learnt a lot of it from parenting expert Dr Becky Kennedy. She shares so many amazing skills on how to parent the middle way. Both letting our child express while holding the loving boundary as a sturdy leader. She’s a whole amazing resource, totally check her out.
But whilst learning these skills simply on how the f to parent in the ‘right’ way, one of the most important skills is re-parenting ourselves. Over the years this has also been given terms such as inner child work, shadow work, or simply trauma healing really. We go through the process of healing our own maladaptive attachment patterns that were developed from childhood (no blame to those who gave us life – they did what they could with the consciousness and resources they had access to) so that we can parent from a place of true connection, both to ourselves and our little ones.
I had already spent nearly a decade dedicated to healing my own trauma before I had my kid. When I did get pregnant I was nowhere near where I wanted to be, physically, mentally or emotionally, and I was well aware that my kid would likely bring a whole new set of traumas to the light that had been yet unreachable. After all, our bodies/minds know how to protect us from overwhelm (hence the development of Protector Parts), so they keep most of our pain buried when they know we simply do not have the capacity to safely and effectively deal with them (ie, without being blown out of our window of tolerance!).
I truly was nowhere near prepared for what came as a single mother, even though I had so many tools under my belt. The intense depth to which my triggers surfaced was pretty mind blowing to be honest. It blew me out. I knew some really deep re-parenting would have to take place to ensure I didn’t pass on my trauma to my kid and that he would grow up a resilient and emotionally flexible child. Suppression was no longer an option. I knew that I had to put in the hard yards in the early years by being available for co-regulation and emotion regulation skill building, and as the years go on it ought to get easier and easier…
But what if you were beyond your capacity to lend your regulation, creating a safe space for them to express their feelings and learn how to regulate them over time? What if you were so tapped out, so exhausted, so under-resourced, under-supported and just over it?? These are the times when our strength as mothers really shines through.
We’ve all seen the feminine stepping up, and asking the masculine to do so too. They’re taking their time, but they are trying. It just means there’s this gap right now, creating a lot of split households, a lot of single mothers who have said enough is enough, I’m not re-parenting myself AND my partner whilst also trying to parent my own child. And a lot of men out there are stunned, lost, not sure what they did wrong… I feel for them. There’s not a lot of guidance out there on how to be a father or a male partner these days. But it’s out there. Seek and you shall find.
Anyway, the strength of the mothers has been shining through, we’ve said enough is enough, we’d rather do it alone if the man we chose to have a child with makes it harder. As one of those mothers, you know how hard it is. You know that re-parenting yourself while learning new ways to parent your child stretches you so damn thin you can’t believe you’re still in existence.
It’s definitely one of the hardest things I’ve done, by far. But it simply had to be done. As I’ve said in a previous post, it was Somatic therapy & IFS that really got me there. Once the majority of my attachment wounds had been re-adapted in a new healthy way (read more about being alone here and learning to be alone here) then I really found mindfulness and meditation both more accessible and helpful. Before all the trauma processing I couldn’t sit still and I couldn’t properly contemplate wise reflections from different philosophical teachings (ie, I couldn’t get a real felt sense and experience of them, only an intellectual of-the-mind understanding). Now I’m finding that all the tools under my belt that have been there for a long time are easier to put into practice.
Of course, I am not saying I’m perfect, nor that I have healed my wounds or that I now have no issues in any of my relationships. This is not the case, and anyway, that’s not what’s important. Now I am able to be more discerning about my relationships, and have closer and more fulfilling ones with those I do have. I also have a better relationship with myself and all my Parts, which makes me feel more at ease and content even amongst the really challenging times. And, of course, one of the most important things, I have a better relationship with my child, and I have watched him heal alongside me.
As we all know, it’s about the journey not the destination. The process not the product 🙂
