~ An outdated belief that continues to have a detrimental impact on men and the people who love them ~
The other day I was at my parents’ house, putting my little 3-year-old boy, Charlie, in the car to drive home. He had a meltdown about something I can’t remember, and one of the neighbours who was standing by, an elderly woman, said “Oh big boys don’t cry!!”. I was too shocked by her comment and absorbed in my own effort to hold space for my child’s meltdown to offer a counter argument.
As I drove home I was thinking, gee I wish I had said something in retaliation. I couldn’t believe this mind-set still existed. I guess in some way I kinda live in my own bubble, mostly surrounded by people who’ve evolved beyond this way of thinking. I’ve seen on a personal and collective level how this mindset is so extremely damaging to both men AND women. To our entire society.
If I had offered a counter argument, I would have said something like this:
Big boys don’t cry?? This way of thinking is part of the reason why so many men commit suicide. Why so many men are offenders of domestic violence and other severely harmful behaviours. Why so many men are suffering deeply and silently, and their loved ones are suffering alongside them.
And this is not just about the act of crying (or not crying). It’s about shaming men for having feelings. Programming men to suppress their feelings, which later comes out in very unhealthy ways. It’s about teaching men that they shouldn’t even have feelings, or any sense of softness or ease.
Both women AND men have both feminine AND masculine qualities, as portrayed in the yin-yang symbol. From what I know about truly thriving as a human, embracing and expressing ALL our parts, all of our different and natural aspects of ourselves is crucial. Therefore, men embracing their innate feminine aspects is a healthy thing. And I don’t mean the immature or false feminine aspects and expressions (this is a topic for another post!). I mean the mature and true expressions, in a way that feels RIGHT for them.
For some men this may mean being more sensitive to others’ needs or finding joy from showering their loved ones with gifts or romantic gestures. It could mean enjoying more intuitive hobbies such as art or dance. Or being of service in a way that is more nurturing, such as a support worker or therapist. There are many ways this more feminine aspect in men can be expressed, in a way that is healthy and natural to them on an individual level.
Every man, like every woman, also has an inner child. For women we would call this our ‘little girl’. For men, their ‘little boy’. If you are familiar with parts theory, our inner child is one of our parts, and can be expressed in many different ways. Our inner child may express her/himself as joy, love, innocence, freedom, lightness. Or she/he may express themselves as gloomy, lost, fearful, vulnerable. Each of us have all of these different parts that simply need our love and attention.
So, what happens for men, as they grow up, and are continuously told not to express their feelings, or have feelings at all?? This inner child becomes frustrated, then angry, and eventually completely enraged. If it is never given a safe space to be heard and felt, this part becomes bigger, louder, desperate to be heard. This may express itself as the inability to slow down, be still and present, or even violence or other harmful actions. Over time, the more and more often this part becomes ignored, invalidated and shamed, eventually it can give up. It can go numb, shut down and check out. This may express itself as a man with really low self-esteem, who avoids conflict or abuses substances, or even commits suicide. They are running and hiding from the pain, which has become too much to bear.
So, what can we do about it? For the women: encourage your man to seek help, to open up, express, and begin to feel safe in his body and emotions. If you are triggered by his big feelings, work on feeling safe in your body as well, with your big feelings. For the men: seek help, trust the process and get all the support you can. Find a men’s group, confide in friends and loved ones who will understand, or at least, those who will try to understand, rather than judge or dismiss you (because they judge and dismiss themselves in their big feelings).
For both men and women, embracing both your masculine and feminine aspects is one of the keys to balance and harmony within your entire system. This is something I’ve been cultivating for many years and the sense of ease and grace it gives me is wonderful.
May we all, both men and women, help walk each other home to ourselves.
