~ Why trauma impacts our self-talk and how to restore your sense of self-compassion ~
Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) is one of the main modalities I use when working with clients. One of the concepts that falls under this umbrella is the way we talk to ourselves. Our self-talk.
The way we talk to ourselves develops over time. We aren’t born with an inner chastising and criticising voice to match the inevitable frustration that arises when we are learning new things. When we are little, we cry to express this frustration. Ideally our primary caregivers respond to our cries with an effort to help us get our needs met.
Many children growing up experienced their caregivers as unavailable, unable to meet their needs, neglectful or burdened by caring for us. Their caregivers may have experienced frustration or even dysregulation in the face of our frustration and dysregulation as children. Over time this may be experienced as a hyper-critical parent, or one that complains that you are ‘too needy’, one who may be there but really isn’t ‘there’, or one who carries a constant undertone of resentment toward you.
These responses from our caregivers become internalised and are reflected in our self-talk. Our inner voice may mercilessly criticise ourselves for making a small error, or over-generalise, saying, ‘Why do I ALWAYS do this???’. We may use language such as: I’m a terrible, angry person; I have a bad habit; I can’t control myself; What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just be calm and peaceful?
In the realm of trauma, one of the most important things to know is that the why has a simple answer: it was the way you adapted to survive. Understanding that many of our ‘bad habits’ or ‘negative traits’ helped to keep us safe in unsafe environments helps us restore a sense of self-compassion. And an unsafe environment is not limited to one in which there was only a threat to your physical safety. An unsafe environment also includes one where your needs were not adequately or consistently met. This includes the need for co-regulation, comfort, validation, understanding, compassion, care, love, etc…
You may be wondering, how on earth would my anger help me survive? Anger pushes people away. If you feel unsafe in relationship because your earliest caregivers were unsafe (whether in the form of abuse, neglect or inconsistency of care) then anger protects you from relationships. It keeps people at a distance, which (seemingly) keeps your already hurting heart safe from any more hurt.
You may also be wondering:
How would over-eating food help me survive? Food provided comfort where there was none, or not enough, from your loved ones. It soothed a broken heart by elevating the happy hormones which would naturally be elevated if your caregiver provided a safe space for co-regulation.
How would being in my head help me survive? It kept me shut out from my body, which had too much sensation, too much emotion, too much information, too much pain. So much that it was overwhelming. Staying in the head kept me safe.
How would telling myself I’m never good enough help me survive? If I’m never good enough then I’ll keep striving to be better, because simply being me is not enough. I need to prove my worthiness to others, and to myself.
These adaptations you developed as a child have now become maladaptive as an adult. Some adaptations may have changed as an adult, for example, you may have replaced over-eating or self-harm with drinking to soothe the pain (more on addiction as an adaptation in a future blog post).
Often, simply understanding that these beliefs are adaptations will help unlock some self-compassion from your heart (it is there, you just may not be able to feel underneath all the criticism!). Once you have this understanding, you can explore a better way. The way of meeting the unmet needs.
For anger, the unmet need was safety in vulnerability. How can I explore being vulnerable in a way that feels safe for me?
For over-eating, the unmet need was comfort. What are some other ways I could seek comfort when I am overwhelmed?
For being in my head, the unmet need was emotional regulation. How can I provide a safe space for myself to explore my feelings?
For believing that I’m not good enough, the unmet need was unconditional love. How can I turn towards myself, hand on heart, and start to learn that I am enough, just as I am?
As a simple summary, here is a way you can put this into practice:
- Keep a diary/notes of your negative self-talk, which reflect your beliefs about yourself that you internalised from your childhood environment (eg, I’m not good enough)
- Remind yourself that these beliefs were adaptations to help you survive your environment, and explore what you were adapting from (eg, not enough love, hyper-critical parent).
- Identify the unmet need and how you can meet those needs (eg need for love and compassion, meet by turning towards myself or talking to a friend).
- Seek support where needed.
I hope you found this helpful and that by practicing these simple tips the well of self-compassion begins to open. If you want to learn more and go deeper, please book here 🙂
