~ what I found out after nearly a decade of seeking the answer! ~
Letting go is a vast and somewhat confusing topic. There are lot of different opinions and interpretations on what it means to ‘let go’. It’s an aspect of the healing journey I have been pulling apart, experimenting with and trying to fully understand for a long time. Over this time, I’ve come to my own realisations and insights around what I believe it really is, how it works and how to do it.
You have probably heard, both from your own mind and from others, some version of letting go. Just ‘let go’ of your ex! ‘Let go’ of your dream, it’s unrealistic, move on. ‘It’s time to let go’ or ‘breathe it out and let it go’. Most people talk about it as a form of either ‘getting over it’ or ‘getting it out’ of your body/mind/life. Releasing it. Letting it goooo…. Ahh yes that’s right, exhale and let go…
Aw man, has this been a confusing and frustrating journey!! All these different ways I’ve been told to let go, I’ve wondered, but how?? What do you even mean?? How do I ‘let go’?? I didn’t even know how I was holding on, let alone how to let go of whatever the hell I was holding onto.
One of my earliest introductions to the idea of letting go was through Buddhism. I distinctly remember reading a classic Buddhist text and coming across the idea. I remember it talking about how suffering is created by our own mind, by not accepting the now, and that we need to let go of our suffering. Pain is pain, and when we attach a mental judgement to the pain we create our own suffering. We just needed to let that mental judgement layer go. I didn’t come across an explanation of how though, through all my studies and practices of Buddhism. I tried many meditations which were indented to help relieve suffering through the focus on the breath or a mantra. Basically, to join the mind with the breath in the body or a mantra to soothe and calm it, which was meant to help you let go and relax. Since I could not sit still nor focus to save myself, this method was not very effective. It required stillness and deep concentration, which felt pretty much impossible to me at this stage of my journey.
After studying and practicing Buddhism for a few years, the next place I ran into the concept of letting go was in the more new-age realms of feminist practices, which of course, many and if not all of them, have their roots in ancient philosophies. Again, I was told to let go, breathe it out, let go of the negativity, the emotion, etc etc… I feel like for the most part I was being told to do something by someone who hadn’t fully developed the understanding of the concept themselves yet. So, again, each time upon hearing these words, my frustration and confusion grew.
But I was determined to figure out what it really meant. And I did, at least, I figured out what it meant to me, in a way that made sense for me.
Once I found a Somatic teacher (the wonderful Kerrie-Lousie) and since then a few other similar branches of teachings/philosophies, who could actually help me get in contact with my felt-body through somatic practices, I began to understand the true meaning of letting go.
And this is what I found..
I found that true letting go is actually in the letting go of the resistance to feeling.. the fear of feeling….NOT letting go of the feeling itself!!!
This whole time I was trying to ‘let go’ or ‘exhale’ or ‘release’ the feeling, for example, anger. I was trying to let go of my anger without first fully feeling it, accepting and having approval for it. Turning toward myself, my body, my inner child, and being there with this part of me through it. Being a loving and compassionate presence for myself in my feelings, an experience many of us missed out on as children. When we grew up, most of our primary caregivers were not available for true co-regulation, for making us feel safe in our feelings, by validating, holding, supporting and offering love for us in those hard times. They didn’t know how to do that for themselves, they weren’t taught by their parents either.
Now, as adult me, it was my responsibility to learn it for myself. I wanted to finally crack the code of letting go, I wanted to learn what it meant and how to do it, and I did. So now, as an adult, I am developing true safety, stability and trust in my body to feel my feelings, not be afraid of them, and let go of any resistance to them. In this letting go of fear and resistance, I give this feeling the space to be felt, moved, expressed, seen and heard. That way, it naturally digests, transforms, integrates…I no longer have to intentionally ‘breathe it out’ – I don’t have to get it out at all. By letting go of resistance, I allow these parts of me to be. I don’t try and force them to change, to leave, and I don’t avoid or ignore them, suppressing them back to the space where they were originally banished when I first felt unsafe and unsupported in that very same feeling.
Now, as adult me, I have the strength to hold myself in these feelings and the power to change the narrative, or reconsolidate the memory, as neuroscience would define it. The experience of me being there for me, creating safety within my body and nervous system, as much as I can, each time I feel a big feeling, overtime has helped me let go of fear and resistance faster. This has allowed me to properly digest and process my feelings when they arise, so that they are left in a banished corner of my body no more.
If you want to learn how to be fearless around feeling, book now! 🙂
